An Oldie, but a Goodie: Tool Descriptions

Thanks Frank 🙂

Drill Press

Drill-Press-Bench-Type-ZJ4113-

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Wire Wheel

imagesCleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh –‘

Circular Saw

csA portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

Multigrip Pliers

300832Used to round off bolt heads.

Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander

142127_ozito_bsg152_belt_sanderAn electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw

87269

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vice Grips

10cr_lgGenerally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxy Acetylene Torch

Blow-Torch

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

 

Tablesaw

Grizzly-1023S-1023SL-Tablesaw

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack

hydraulic_floor_jack_3_58127

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

Bandsaw

general

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

Two Ton Engine Hoist

Engine Stands & Hoists 19

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

Phillips Screwdriver

414r6ooXHSL._SL500_AA300_

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

Straight Screwdriver

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A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

Pry Bar

image_18374

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

Hose Cutter

hose

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

Hammer

_1_Tools-Hammer-Kincrome-24oz-Leather-Handle-Claw-Hammer-K9034

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

 

Utility Knife

Utility-Knife

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a Bitch Tool

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son of a bitch’ at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Definitions

I received an email from Woodpeckers (their email newsletter) recently with a few tool definitions listed, and then (sadly) an apology email from them because they apparently offended some people. So the 4 they sent are listed here, along with a bunch more that I could find. If you have any others, please drop them into the comments!

Notice that Marc (The Wood Whisperer) had the same reaction as I did, more to the apology than anything. I also notice it was initially discussed on Sawmill Creek, but their administrators have since deleted all responses.

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DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, ****!”

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIER
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blisters

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit, or fingers if nothing else is on offer

MECHANIC’S KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence it’s course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of, or the car’s electrics (eh Dad!)

TWEEZERS
A tool for removing wood splinters.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone and rounds them off.

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